Minister: Marv Vose

How Long Do You Beat Up On Yourself?

II Samuel 12:13-23



I was working with a couple who were about to get married and we were going through the normal kinds of things we always talk about.  We'd gotten to the part where I started asking about how they disagreed.  Well, it turned out that they had never had a serious disagreement!  Red Flag!  So I asked if they had ever had anything close to a serious disagreement.  They remembered one issue, but it hadn't really been very important.  They had resolved it easily.  But as they talked, I started to see how they resolved disagreements, or at least I thought I could see how they did it.  So I decided to take a risk and I asked the young lady how long she intended to punish her fiancé for the decision he had made?  Looks of shock from both of these young people!  So I explained.  I said, "It seems to me that this is the way you resolve your disagreements.  You (meaning the bride) let your fiancé make the decisions, but if you don't like the decision, then you punish him.  You passively complain about it or badger him and generally punish him for the decision you let him make." 

At this point, the light bulbs started to go on and they could begin to see how they did it.  It was, for both of them, totally unconscious.  They didn't know that they did it, but both of them had worked out this system.  When they came back for their next session, they had renegotiated the previous decision and come up with something that both of them liked!  No more punishing!  I wish all counseling situations were so easy!

I mention that story because most of us beat up on ourselves for something.  Maybe lots of things.  Sometimes we even get help.  Other people beat up on us, too.  But most of the time, we do it to ourselves.  And when we punish ourselves, it seems like we just keep doing it and doing it and doing it, over and over again.  Whenever we think about it, we do it over again.  We never seem to get to that point where we give up on it.  And that is no good!

Maybe you just forgot an appointment.  For some reason, it just didn't get on the calendar.  People were offended and now you punish yourself for it.

Or maybe you just made an honest mistake and you really regret it, but now you beat up on yourself for doing it.

Maybe you said something wrong and people laughed at you and you were so embarrassed!  Now whenever you think about it you chastise yourself for being so dumb.  I had that happen in 8th grade.  I still remember it!

All of us have had those experiences and we still hang onto them.  Even Arnold Palmer, the golf great, has had experiences like that.  One of his occurred at the 1961 Los Angeles Open.  Palmer was at the peak of his career.  On the par-5 ninth hole, his last of the day, Palmer hit a good drive and wanted to try to put the ball on the green with his second shot.  He would be in position to attempt a birdie, getting one stroke closer to the leaders.

With his 3-wood, Palmer hit what he believed was a good shot.  But as the ball sailed, it faded to the right, hit a pole, and bounced out of bounds onto the driving range.  Palmer dropped a ball, too a penalty stroke, and tried again.  This time, his ball hooked to the left and flew off the course into a road.  Again he dropped a ball and took a penalty.  He repeated the process, hitting the ball out of bounds several more times.  Finally he got on the green and two putted for a twelve!  (That sounds like something I would do!)  Because of that one hole, he was out of the tournament.

Today, more than 40 years later, if you go to the ninth hole of that golf course, you will find a bronze plaque that states:  "On Friday, January 6, 1961, the first day of the 34th Los Angeles Open, Arnold Palmer, voted Golfer of the Year and Pro Athlete of the Year, took a 12 on this hole."

Now all of us make mistakes, but most of us don't have a bronze plaque to remember it by!  And to tell the truth, we don't need a plaque, because we remember them anyway.  Everyone else may forget about it, but we remember!  And beat up on ourselves.

That can add up and have a terribly negative impact on the way we live.  Chuck Swindoll, a well-known Christian author and pastor sums it up this way.  "By recalling those inglorious, ineffective events of yesterday, our energy is sapped for facing the demands of today.  Rehearsing those wrongs, now forgiven in grace, derails and demoralizes us.  There are few joy stealers more insidious than past memories that haunt our minds...Forget the past!"

He says a lot there, doesn't he?  It saps our energy.  We get derailed and demoralized.  It steals our joy.  This is a major problem!

But most of the time we don't deal with it.  We just keep reliving those awful moments and rehearse them over and over again.  They continue to burden us, but we figure out ways to carry the load and get through the day anyway.  We don't change anything.  We just get better at carrying the burden.

Today, I want to change that.  Today, we are going to take a different approach.  I want you to pause for a moment and remember some of those things that you carry around.  Embarrassing moments.  Humiliating events.  Things you regret.  Mistakes.  Think of some of those.  No one can read your mind, so you are safe.  Have you got one or two? 

Remember I said I had one of those moments in 8th grade?  Here's what I did.  On my math workbook, I didn't just write my name.  I wrote "Marvelous Marv the masterful mathematician!"  Now my English teacher would have probably appreciated that, but I guarantee you that my Math teacher didn't!

OK.  Do you have an event or two?  Hang onto them, because we are going to work on them.

Now King David surprises us!  Twice!  He surprises us the first time by admitting the error of his ways.  Not everyone would do that.  When he was confronted by Nathan, he immediately admits the error of his ways and this is the first surprise.  He could have made excuses.  He could have blamed other people.  He could have denied it.  He could have said, "All the other Kings get to do it!  Why not me!"  But he didn't.  He admitted his mistake and that saved his life.

The second shocker comes after the child dies.  It was the custom in those days to begin the mourning at this point.  But David had been so distraught the servants weren't sure they should even tell him what had happened.  They were afraid he might harm himself!  They were that worried!

But that wasn't what David did.  When he heard what had happened, he got up, changed his clothes, cleaned up, went to worship God and then he sat down and ate.  In other words, he started to live again.  He put this behind him.  And everyone was surprised!  You can see why David was such a great King. He could put the past behind him and get on with living!

And that is what Arnold Palmer could do.  Do you remember Arnold Palmer and the bronze plaque?  Someone asked him about that hold and the plaque and this is what he said.  "That doggone plaque will be there long after I'm gone.  But you have to put things like that behind you.  That's one of the wonderful things about golf.  Your next shot can be as good or bad as your last one-but you'll always get another chance."

Arnold Palmer was able to put those bad shots behind him.  King David was able to get up and go on living without continuing to beat himself up over his mistakes.  Can we?

I've got a simple, two-step process that will allow you to shed those burdens and put them behind you.  Ready?  Now you remember those things I asked you to dredge up?  OK.  Here's how we get ride of them.

Step one!  Decide when you are going to quit punishing yourself.  Set a time limit. How long will it be?  Do you need 30 days?  10 days?  You see most of the time, we never set a limit and they just keep burdening us forever!  So set a time limit.  Have you set a time limit for those things you've been dragging around? 

While you are working on step one, you can use your time well. There are some things that will help this process along.  You can tell God you are sorry!  How's that for a good start.  If you haven't already done that, you can do that part.

If your blunder hurt other people, you can tell them that you are sorry!  And you can look at the whole episode and asked if you learned anything.  Sometimes God has a lesson for us in the middle of our mistakes.  If we learn the lesson, it's been profitable.  If we miss the lesson, God is good and brings us back around to a similar situation, so we have another chance at learning the lessons.  Isn't that good of God? 

Finally, ask for God's help in putting it behind you.  We have so much practice at beating up on ourselves; we really need God's help in putting them behind us.  That's all a part of the First Step.

This is the second step-keep reminding yourself that it's all done.  The incident will come up again from time to time.  When that happens you say to yourself.  "I have forgiven myself for that.  God has forgiven me for that. It is now ancient history and I'm going to let it go!"  When it comes up again, you say to yourself and same thing.  Time after time, until it is gone! 

God has a way of taking our mistakes and making something good come from them, it we will let it happen.  It worked for David.  David and Bathsheba had another baby.  His name was Solomon and God loved Solomon. Solomon became the King following David and built the Temple for God.

            It has happened to others.  Jim Moore wrote a book entitled, "Yes, Lord, I have Sinned But I Have Several Excellent Excuses."   Good book!  Some of our classes have used it.  Jim tells a story from his seminary days that is just perfect for today.

He was taking a course in Pastoral Care and as a part of his studies, he went to a local hospital and visited patients on the neurosurgery ward.  One day he came in and the nurse said, "Jim, I'm so glad you're here.  Mrs. Davis needs you.  She's in room 858, and she really needs a pastor today.  She is to have brain surgery in the morning, and to be honest, its touch and go; she may not make it."

This wasn't exactly what Jim wanted to hear.  He was just learning to be a pastor.  He wasn't really ready for that kind of responsibility.  Quite frankly, he was terrified and in his anxiety, he did everything wrong.

When he reached the room, he peeked inside.  It was dark and bare.  The drapes were closed.  There weren't any cards or flowers.  No friends.  And there was Mrs. Davis, lying in bed.  Sullen.  Her head shaved for surgery.  The room reeked of death.

Jim opens the door and he pushes it too hard and it slammed against the wall.  Next, he walked into the room and kicked the bed.  He stammered and stuttered and said all of the wrong things.  Finally, in desperation, he tried to pray and botched that as well.  He left the room totally embarrassed, with tears in his eyes, ready to quit the ministry.  If he couldn't help a person in real need, he had no business being in ministry.

A few days later he goes back to the hospital rushes up to the eighth floor to see if Mrs. Davis survived surgery.  He checks the list and there is her name and her condition is listed as - "Good!"  How could that be?  He runs down to the room and he is amazed at the difference.  The drapes are pulled.  The room is filled with flowers and cards.  Mrs. Davis is sitting up and writing letters.

He says, "Mrs. Davis, you probably don't' remember me--."  And she interrupts, "Don't remember you.  How could I ever forget you!  You saved my life!"

And he says, "But I don't understand.  I felt so terrible; I was so ashamed.  I did everything wrong!"

"That's just it," she said.  "I felt so sorry for you!  It was the first time I had felt anything but self-pit for months.  That little spark of compassion ignited in me the will to live!  The doctors tell me it made all the difference."

God can do things like that.  Let him.  And don't beat yourself up.